I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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