If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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