Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
