One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
