I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
