I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
