I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
