3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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