Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
