she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
