Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
