It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
