i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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