i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
