i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
