its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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