i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize