if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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