Got a toothbrush?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize