I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
