god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
