Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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