Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
