i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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