No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
