Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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