I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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