Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
