I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
