Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize