Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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