What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
