The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
