I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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