Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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