yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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