quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
