I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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