I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
