I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
