I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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