I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize