Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
