Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
