people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
