Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
