Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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