I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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