Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
