It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
