Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
