Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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