for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
