I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Randomize
