i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
