just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
