dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
