so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
