I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
