just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
