Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
