....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
