Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Oh god it's open bar.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
